wanna go halves on a baby?
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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