nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
