Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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