Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
