help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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