Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
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I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
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She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
is that a dick in a sweater?