well I can't set my house on fire every night
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
