When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
