i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
