dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
