just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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