apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
