Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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