Barsexuality is the new black.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
