Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
ttyl tear gas
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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