im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
