Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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