She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
