Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
