You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
