Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
