ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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