god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
