i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
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