I just threw up on my dentist
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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