when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
