Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
my liver is dry heaving
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
