Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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