you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
