your thong is hanging out like whoa
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
