they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
