Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
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Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
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My legs feel like baby dolphins
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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