By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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