Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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