He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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