you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
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Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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