Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
