the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
