in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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