just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
