Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
