On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
