There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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