mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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