just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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