it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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