I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
