bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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