is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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