my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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