Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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