yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
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you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
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Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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