Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
We have started to decorate penises.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
