Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
