my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
