i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
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