she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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